Yes! We all lost

So back in mid of April, precisely by the end of April, my Uncle tested CoViD positive. That moment onwards I was severely struck by the fact that how a pandemic have swallowed the whole world. Especially, at that time of the year, his place, Abudhabhi in UAE. Following day his wife; my Aunt, and their daughter tested positive. We all have bad days and those were ours. It got worst when my Uncle had breathing troubles and got shifted to hospital. And worsen next day, that morning when I called my mom and she burst into tears. She said that uncle fainted last night in the hospital and is in ventilator on life support now. Everything shattered for me in a moment. I still remember how tightly I hugged my husband just after the call. He assured me everything will be alright. I wept and wept and stayed in my bed half of the day. I felt numb. I wasn’t ready to even think about losing a person I love as much as I love my dad. I remembered all the good times I had with uncle. The last thing I wanted to do that day was to stop crying and getting out of that bed. But I had to drag myself out from the bed as my shift will start in 10 minutes. Life is strange sometimes, where we have to work even if we are on the verge of breakdown. For happiness, after two days, my Uncle got shifted back to room. He recovered soon and came back home. I couldn’t express the happiness I felt when I heard his voice the next time. What a comeback life!

Days passed by with good and bad days. If I say, it was mostly bad days for all of us, it will kill the cheer. For us, here in Canada, summer is happy time. So we were happy in short with pinch of sadness here and there to garnish life.

October came. Just by the mid of October, a cluster of positive cases formed in my husband’s home. His Grandma, Aunts, Uncles and my mother – in – law, almost a dozen of people tested positive. The stress loomed over us. Me and my husband consoled each other saying everything is going to be alright this time also. We remembered those April days where we kept on looking each others eyes and assured ourselves that nothing is going to be wrong. Things didn’t go well. Few days after, one morning, when I was half asleep, my husband spooned me tight and told me that his Grandma passed away. I know the whole world stopped for him that moment. We stayed silent in bed for some time and then we cried. We talked to our two and half year old son about the great Grandmother he lost and how delicious her cooking was. We told him all her stories even knowing that he can’t understand a single thing we are telling him. Three days after, we ended our days with the demise news of my husband’s uncle. Thus, we lost two souls to this deadly pandemic. Before all these, we always talked that noone will feel how terrifying this pandemic is until it impacts our own home and we had it. A big hard one. We still talk over dinner bout his Grandma and uncle. Sometimes we cry. Sometimes he cries and I console him. Some times we take deep breath and remains silent.

This post is to all who are out there. We all lost! We all lost someone we love, a friend, a parent, a sibling, a grandparent, a relative, a colleague, someone we care about. We all gone through struggles and still going through this. We all get irritated by the work-from-home. We all feel depressed on staying home. We all have that bad days and worst days. But there are always good days too. So stay home for few more days. Stay safe. We don’t want to be a part of losing someone because of us. This is going to be alright soon. Life will be back to normal if we act wise. Be that wiser person. We are in this together.

There are a few more I lost during this pandemic. My heart is grieving for them too.
– My elder Uncle who lost his battle to terminal illness. Maama, we all love you and will always miss you. May your soul rest in peace.
– My Uncle who lost himself to a cardiac arrest. A day when my mother lost her elder brother. We all pray for you.
– My husband’s friend’s wife who lost her life in a car accident. May her soul rest in peace. We all are there for him!
– And

My best fiend’s Mom.
Divya,
You were always there for my darker days. You always stood beside me in my ups and downs. You didn’t stop by consoling me but made me stronger with your words and I am sorry. I am sorry that I was not there with you physically on you bad days. But as we both know, I am always there for you and will be. I know somedays you thrived to talk to me and was in need of me. That’s when I hate this time difference. Again I m sorry for not being there always. I always think of your Amma and we wish for a happy place for her in heaven. Let she stay there and watch down our little Oryn playing. Not everyone says I am there for you but you always do that at the end of our call. You always says ‘Call me when you are sad or having trouble’. That makes you one of a kind and I am grateful to have you. Actually, WE (me, Ikka and Daniyal) are grateful to have you in our life. And in return, I will be there for you. Always!

I am writing after an year and this post is dedicated to:

My little sister Thasni who struggled through this pandemic and strived through the last weeks of her pregnancy thinking about her dad who was on life support. She was a strong contender and gave birth to our little Ayzin. I am always proud of you my girl!

My bother-in-law’s wife Thansi, who always reminds me that I can write and someone out there still loves my writing. She always asks me why I am not writing. I know this is a raw script but this is for you!

To my schoolmate turned best friend Vishnu Vijay who often comes and reminds me that our life changes but some things always remain same as our friendship.

Thank you my readers!
Stay healthy! Stay happy & Stay safe until we meet next time!

Blink!

Life shimmers!

Blink, I m in our new house. I made sure the plate I used to eat never breaks while I m using it. 

I blink the eyes, Grandpa dies. My dad cries. I miss my second standard Christmas exam that day. I made sure nobody sees my welled up eyes.

When I blink the eyes, I m in the school classroom, more concentrated on the maths problem the teacher was teaching. I tapped my pen on the wooden desk continuously.

I blinked my eyes, I was in front of the President of India. I made sure I understand every word he says. 

Another blink, I m in that crossroad where I have to go straight to reach home. I adjust my skirt. 

Another blink, I m making magazine for the inter school fest. I looked seriously to my team members face.

Another blink, I m on the way to my morning Maths tuition. I checked whether my bicycle tyres are flat or not. 

Another, I m crying hugging my pillow in the hostel room after ragging. I wrote it as hell in the diary.

Another, I m in train on the way to Inter college badminton match. I checked whether I have taken everything I need.

Another blink, met the one person who gave me first impression as bad. made sure I will not meet him again. 

Another, I was crying looking on the results of first year. I made sure nobody notices that I m the most desperate.

Another, I met the first love of my life. I made sure I have enough time to spent.

Next blink, I m doing AIEEE B.Arch entrance exam. I made sure I m better than everyone.

Blink, I m crying losing the love.. he was crying on the other side of the phone line.

Blink, I m on the corridor of another college. I hated it like the worst place on earth.

Blink, I failed again and again on semesters. I made sure marks never decides my life.

Blink, I got the sunshine of my life. I made sure that I love her with my whole heart.

Blink, life upside down. I met the worst person in the world. I made sure I will hold on to my values till the last breath.

Blink, A bunch of people laughed and howled and entered my life. I swooped them away but they rebounded.

Blink, graduated and employed. I worked my ass off to make sure I m satisfied with myself.

Blink, I m in the desert of middle east. I tried more and more to smile.

Blink, I m back in Cochin with the best job in hand. I made sure I m responsible and loyal.

Blink, I got the best colleague and boss in life. she and he always made me feel like I m worthy. 

Blink, I took a house with my friends. I made sure nobody sleeps empty stomach in our home of 4 girls.

Blink, I met the best soul in my life. I promised to hold on to him till the end.

Blink, I m in Bangalore. walking on the parks and streets with my new friends. I made sure I enjoy. 

Blink, I started an interior venture with friends. I made sure that I can make the healthy arguments with the clients. 

Blink, I got my name printed on the cover of a book as an author. I made sure I will give the best smile that day.

Blink, World made arguments with me to get my love. I strived, I struggled and I survived.

Blink, I got a bunch of students who loved me. I made sure I love and guide them the best.

Blink, I became the wife of my love. I made sure I hold him closer to heart.

Blink, I got another best colleague to encourage me. I made sure she is always on my back.

Blink, Life went wrong again. I strongly held my family.

Blink, a new arrival to our life. He was born. I made sure he is happy with the best version of me.

Blink, I m in another country enjoying the Autumn fall. I made sure I will do the best to survive.

Blink, the boy grown up, the people became closer, the love never dies and the smile never fades

Life stumbles; then stood up again and jogged. When I lost Grandpa I never thought it will be biggest loss in my life till now. When I looked to the maths notebook in school I never realized that, it is the first subject I m going to fail in my whole life.. When I held the badminton racquet I wasn’t aware that, that season onwards I m going to stop playing. When I met the bad impression guy, I never thought I m going to see him again and again and again and he will become the best brother for my lifetime. When I first met my love, I never thought that it will be a turning point in my further love life.When I done the AIEEE, I scarcely know that I m gonna jump over the positive result and cry over the reason of not able to join SPA Vijaywada. When I entered the new college, I never thought I m gonna get the best people of my life from those corridors. When I married him I never realized it is the best decision I ever made in my life.

I never thought things will change like this. In every fraction of time. The people we meet. The people who left. The people who trusted and people who broke that. The people who loved and people who loathe.The kids that made my life. The sunshine girls who kept our home a bliss. The writings I made. The paintings I have drawn. The songs I sang. The travels I made. The photographs I clicked. The tears that spilled. The smile that never fades. The hugs. The kisses. The sun that shines. Moon that glows and the stars that shimmers.

Life changes! Embrace the moments!

P.S : Trying hard to get out of the writer’s bloc 

What life with a football admirer gives you!

So, After almost an year I am writing again.

World Cup hangover is still ON. Congratulations France and Well done Croatia. Waiting for the next four years to pass! So that I can watch the game with our little champ! 🙂

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Why not a fan and an admirer. Both are different. Football fan; anyone can be a fan. Anyone can support it and go on with a team. But admirer; its one who loves the game, loves the passes, praises the beauty and scolds the faults, one who knows the match to the core. Who supports a team but loves everyone else. 🙂

So what getting married to a football admirer gives you?

As he is the extreme admirer of the wonderful game football; he will be a person who takes everything in a spirit. As a game; he believes life doesn’t gives you anything granted, you have to work hard for it. He knows life is unpredictable as anything can happen in the last minute or extra time, either good or bad. Often it gives us penalty or free kick and we have to use it in the best way. Be careful that there is a goalie to stop what we are striking. He will keep a hope till the last moment and if he loses he warms up for the next game. He may wake up in the midnight or early morning to watch a game. Make a coffee and enjoy it with him. Because he know how to defend the difficulties. He know how to tackle problems. He know how to attack and clear the defenders. He will appreciate everyone’s spirit. He will appreciate everyone who deserves. Moreover you will be having a friendly rivalry at home only if you love football. We will learn to fight in laughs and appreciate each other. He will watch the game for you if you can’t. You will be having something interesting always in your life. 🙂

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So love football and love someone who loves football. That’s how it is. ❤
P S : Using ManU poster only because my man loves the team, I am still for Barca 🙂
There may be different opinions for this. But this is what my life taught me. Let’s football

YOU #AtoZchallenge

Hey YOU,

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Yes YOU.. Give me a smile.. 🙂
You are awesome.. You are unique.. You are someone who can do anything.. You are strong.. You can catch the wind.. You can fly in the air.. Close your eyes; you can feel yourself.. 🙂 You are beyond your imagination.. Really!! You have strength.. You can dream.. You can chase.. You are what you think of yourself; not what others think about you.. 🙂

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Stay positive.. 🙂
Smile Always ❤

YHappy Blogging!! ❤

NOVEMBER again! #AtoZchallenge

November isn’t my favorite month. But November is a special month for me.. 😉

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Days passed as she struggled to get into the routine.. Time flown as she tried to open her eyes in the morning.. Moments jumped as she reached his tie and made it proper.. She ran around the home.. She raced in her work desk.. She closed her eyes and morning fell all of a sudden.. Her eyes decorated dark circles.. Her pen stumbled on words.. Her breath became slow.. She saw the winter coming.. The cold wind gushed through the window.. One more month passed.. It’s November again!! 🙂

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Time to do the unexpected!! 🙂
Happy Blogging ❤

N

Love your Life #AtoZchallenge

Life won’t be easy until you know what you can do. Life wont be easy until you find your power. I am powerful when I have a pen and a paper. I am confident when I until I believe i can write. But the most powerful weapon we have is LOVE.. 🙂

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Love can heal anything.. Love is the one thing which connects us.. Love is the feel which makes us keep on living.. Love is what a mother felts for her baby from the day it starts growing in her womb.. Love is when a father hugs his child after scolding him for doing something wrong.. Love is when he kisses his love’s forehead after the first delivery.. Love is she tip toeing into the kitchen without disturbing her man’s sleep..Love is when he gives a piece of chocolate to his sister.. Love is when she helps her brother for the exam.. Love is when she shares her coffee with her love of life.. Love is he holding her hands from stumbling.. Love is in those biscuits bought by Grandma for me believing my childhood favorite is still my favorite.. Love is when your friend lends their shoulder without asking.. Love is when she clutches my fingers and snuggle into the blanket.. 🙂

Love can be a ‘Take Care’.. ‘A Drive Safe’ or a ‘Sleep Tight’.. 🙂
Love is in ‘Stay Blessed’ or ‘Are you ok?’
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Love is when he whispers ‘I love you’ and she returns with a ‘To the moon and back! Always! Forever! Till the last breath!!’
L

Jump #AtoZchallenge

043370509ffd7dc37093a240c4652a1fWhen you jumped last time?
Just a simple jump; the moment in air. If it’s a long time back, take a jump and come back to my post. 😉
Jump is a power concept for me.. As always my bucket list includes Bunjee jumping, Jumping from a cliff, jumping from an plane for sky diving.. To jump is often a simple thing but the moment you stays in the air without any support is a different feeling. A moment where we are the only one who can control our self and a realization of no one can stabilize us back other than us.

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I still remember the day Mayasa started jumping. At the early stages she was too afraid of falling. She says it’s her jumping but what she did was hopping. She keeps her toes in the ground itself and takes a small hop. But when last time she came on holidays, we were sitting on our neighbor’s house where they have a little higher platform to sit. She came near me, held my hand and stood at the edge of that platform. She looked down and looked at me. I was wondered on how a little kid of three years know it’s a little risk to jump off from that platform. She approached me and asked in my ears ‘Can I jump?’. The always encouraging me told her ‘Of course you can. Don’t ever worry about falling. I will hold you.’ She made a smile and again held my hand. A little fear loomed in her face but still she managed to make a small jump with the help of my hand. In half an hour we spend there, she tried out jumping as many times possible and by the end she managed to jump alone. I was pretty overwhelmed by my niece’s courage.

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Jump is not physical only. We often takes mental decisions too. Jumping higher or jumping over a hurdle can change your life. Always think about from where we are starting and where we going to end. I am a girl who experienced every luxuries as a child with acres of land to play. In my childhood days (even still) I used to jump off the hedges, jump from a compound wall, trees and even from the 10 feet high terrace. Yeah! I jumped from there twice. But as I grow up my faith in myself diminished and I started fearing of jumping. Even in decisions Ii often stumbled. I guess this happens to everyone. As the responsibilities increase, as the life progress, we love to stay safe and stay back from risks. But life starts when you jump off from that safe zone. Everyone knows the truth but no one is ready to accept it.. So, take the jump. No one will drag away the ground under you. It’s you who controls you and its you who makes you stand still.

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Happy blogging !! 🙂

J

I… I am #AtoZchallenge

I.. I am.. the easiest one.. but I don’t know how to write about it.. :/

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I am the most complicated human being I ever encountered with.. 😛 I am the worst kind of person with the most weird thoughts.. I felt normal when I came to know that there are other people like me.. 🙂 I am love covered with my smile and grudge hidden behind my soul.. I am bold in the out and lighter when you get into my heart.. I am that roar you hear at times and the chuckle when you tickles.. I have my choices and I m not ready to take up anyone else’s for me.. I am someone who shuts up when you say I am wrong only because I know I am right.. I hate arguments and of course I hate shouting.. I am the peace lover.. You think I am different but the truth is I am unique.. And note; I am loyal.. I am a glass piece bubble wrapped with love.. I am what I am and remember behind everything there is a reason!! 🙂

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P. S : I know you all didn’t think the same. 🙂
Happy blogging.. ❤

EPIPHANY #AtoZchallenge

Why E for Epiphany? o_O

ff361d4935364808cdeb78e3a088faf7I don’t know! But this happened to me recently. I m not mentioning the situation but then on wards I m planning to write about it. To those who are wondering what epiphany is, here is the explanation in short. Epiphany is sudden realization or insight. Most of my readers may know how it feels. You people all may have gone through such a situation. A very strong realization in a moment. It may vary for every person according to the situation. Months back I read Deepika mentioning about her epiphany in her old blog (blog didn’t exist now). I had something recently. I passed through so many mental tension and pressure. I was in a stage whether to hold on or leave it. I was very well aware of the consequences to hold on and surviving was a mere possibility. And leaving was the easiest option for me. But then I had a sudden halt in mind and I decided to hold on. Hold on for one single reason and I was ready to struggle. I think I m still struggling through a hard phase; but not feeling so. I know the cause of my struggle and I m happy for that. 🙂

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So that’s my post on E.. Epiphany.. How I felt on such a moment.. For those who are confused about my situation; please be patient… And to the ones who are smiling reading this.. Thank You for the support!! 🙂

DEATH-my biggest fear #AtoZchallenge

I was planning to post another blog on D. But last day I deleted that post and wrote this new one. I am very much afraid of writing about death. It is the biggest fear I have. I couldn’t handle the loss of someone closer to me. And last Friday I lost my Uncle. I was struggling to hold on my tears for the next two days knowing my tears will bring tears in my dear one’s eyes too. I acted pretty strong in front of everyone and at night I sobbed silently thinking about the memories he gave me. And yesterday, when I got back to office I noticed that I m not normal. My eyes started welling up in every normal talk and then again I realized how much I m worried of his demise. And that’s how this post turned ON!

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DEATH! Death is usual as birth. That’s how life is. The first time I encountered it is while I m in my second grade when I lost my Grandfather. And that was the day I came to know that losing someone is the biggest fear. I tried my best to fill the void with memories and happiness but that never worked. Every time when I think about something that scares me; it’s that; those memories of my lost ones. I thought I m being silly every time. I tried to change. But all my tries went in vain.
When on Friday night my Dad called me in numbness conveying the news of demise I felt like something hit me hard on my skull. I was in a moment of shock and then I tried my best to keep calm and behave strong. I was the only one normal there at that time and right that time I took my phone and called each and every relatives of mine to pass the news. I still don’t know how I did that without a drop of tear and I don’t know how I collapsed right after that. After every such loss I will tell myself ‘Their duty in this planet is done and they left.‘ This time too I m struggling to cope up with the truth and teaching myself on it. What left is those thousand memories we had together as a family. The thousand funny fights we made and those unconditional love he given to me considering me as his own little daughter.

DOne of my favorite book ‘Mayyazhi puzhayude theerangalil‘ by M. Mukundan have a nice story to tell about death. Across the Mayyazhi river, there is an island with butterflies called Velliyankallu. When someone dies in Mayyazhi, they will turn into a butterfly and will fly to Velliyankallu. 🙂

I can see everyone as beautiful butterflies fluttering there!! 🙂

 

P.S : Thanks to everyone who held me closer on these days! Thanks to every condolences and thanks to Shinilkka who told me to write read eat and get back to normal ASAP. 🙂