DEATH-my biggest fear #AtoZchallenge

I was planning to post another blog on D. But last day I deleted that post and wrote this new one. I am very much afraid of writing about death. It is the biggest fear I have. I couldn’t handle the loss of someone closer to me. And last Friday I lost my Uncle. I was struggling to hold on my tears for the next two days knowing my tears will bring tears in my dear one’s eyes too. I acted pretty strong in front of everyone and at night I sobbed silently thinking about the memories he gave me. And yesterday, when I got back to office I noticed that I m not normal. My eyes started welling up in every normal talk and then again I realized how much I m worried of his demise. And that’s how this post turned ON!


DEATH! Death is usual as birth. That’s how life is. The first time I encountered it is while I m in my second grade when I lost my Grandfather. And that was the day I came to know that losing someone is the biggest fear. I tried my best to fill the void with memories and happiness but that never worked. Every time when I think about something that scares me; it’s that; those memories of my lost ones. I thought I m being silly every time. I tried to change. But all my tries went in vain.
When on Friday night my Dad called me in numbness conveying the news of demise I felt like something hit me hard on my skull. I was in a moment of shock and then I tried my best to keep calm and behave strong. I was the only one normal there at that time and right that time I took my phone and called each and every relatives of mine to pass the news. I still don’t know how I did that without a drop of tear and I don’t know how I collapsed right after that. After every such loss I will tell myself ‘Their duty in this planet is done and they left.‘ This time too I m struggling to cope up with the truth and teaching myself on it. What left is those thousand memories we had together as a family. The thousand funny fights we made and those unconditional love he given to me considering me as his own little daughter.

DOne of my favorite book ‘Mayyazhi puzhayude theerangalil‘ by M. Mukundan have a nice story to tell about death. Across the Mayyazhi river, there is an island with butterflies called Velliyankallu. When someone dies in Mayyazhi, they will turn into a butterfly and will fly to Velliyankallu. 🙂

I can see everyone as beautiful butterflies fluttering there!! 🙂


P.S : Thanks to everyone who held me closer on these days! Thanks to every condolences and thanks to Shinilkka who told me to write read eat and get back to normal ASAP. 🙂

to God…

Oh God,

   There are times when we could not even concentrate on prayers….We could not even know what should i say to YOU…for me…i always pray…but this time…i am dumb….

To the great power of this world…i believe in YOU…i believe that YOU will hear every prayers…this time…YOU can take me instead of him…because he have a lot to live…lot to know and lot to little champion…my little naughty…take me and let him see what world is…there is a mother..a father…a little sister who wanna see him smiling always…who expect from him…who dream their life through him…an uncle…an aunt…who always find their smile in him…and a grandma and grandpa who always cares their first grandson as their king….Oh God…let him fight back to his life…give him strength…give him courage…give him back to them…back to that family…and please let them live happily…because…i wanna see them happily always….

May be i m not a person worth to pray for them or a person worth for YOU to hear my prayers…but…YOU can take everything from me to give me back that innocent smile….

for our ‘Mammooooos’….

I am hoping for the best!!!!