We fight over stupid reasons We often sleep back to back We burst out and never say sorry We act grumpy on each other We sit in separate rooms and watch the same movie
And the same we;
We discuss movies over our breakfast We talk football over lunch We share politics over dinner We sit together and listen to music We video chat together with each other’s friends We make love and cuddle while sleep And at the end we have the same welled up eyes with love when Rahat Fateh Ali Khan sings Afreen Afreen
So when I watched the Marriage story last day, I realized, whatever happens, what matters is we have to talk to each other even if we are letting the other one down. We have to discuss each other’s tensions, stress, worries, tantrums, insecurities, disappointments. Not only dreams but also struggles are meant to be discussed! So hold your loved ones together and walk together in this life. Trust me, you are going to love, laugh, cry, weep and smile but you are going to love it
Hanging in that only hope where we are not sure whether there is a hope or not! Looking forward to the sunny days where I am not sure whether it will stop raining or not! Hugging myself in the cold winter night with the hope that I can be myself a cardigan! Hearing to the One direction with a hope that they are going to rejoin again! Weeping like the willow tree with no reason and no hope! Hope I survive! You survive! We all survive after this dark day! Life out there is still looking for me, for you and for us all! Light is somewhere there, look forward and move forward! Its there! Its there!
Nothing related to my current mood! Just posting the archives and drafts those are staying cold in the dungeon of my WordPress!
Another wonderful time of the year is another chance to reminisce about the past. Christmas is and will always be my most favourite time of the year. It might be due to the cold winter days or the holiday lights that are all adorned around. Until now, it hasn’t been clear to me why I enjoy Christmas so. When I was growing up, Christmas was the season for secret Santa. This is the time for me to ask my father for an extra penny in order to buy a better gift for my friend. It was a celebration to welcome the upcoming holidays. The obsession never ceased as I grew from a teenager to an adult. The holiday sloth bear in me enjoyed the holidays even though there was no holiday. I am that lazy mood who cannot work from December 24 to New Year. I define that literally.
Memories of this season swirl around taking a trip to your favourite cousin’s place or counting the stars in the stores while travelling on vacation. However, my most treasured Christmas memory is from five years ago. When I barged into my friend’s house and helped him decorate for Christmas. The crazy Christmas shopping on Broadway. The day I travelled to Fort Kochi on Christmas eve with my favourite people and stayed there till dawn. The day I walked through the beach and strolled along the park. The day I was welcomed into my friend’s home and had the best Christmas lunch ever. I am going to redo that! I may have had better days than that but that day was a day filled with so many realizations.
As a cherry on top of my love for Christmas, I moved to Canada. Boxing Day, White Christmas, Potluck. I realized Christmas wasn’t all about me. There was a sense of togetherness. It became more about the people we loved. It became more about the moments we shared. Long walks in the snow. Sharing a cup of seasonal hot chocolate together. Walking through the neighbourhood to see Christmas lights. Having a movie marathon of all the Hallmark Christmas movies. Baking the best Christmas cake. Squeezing your family at the end of Christmas dinner. Taking a group photo with everyone. Putting up the Christmas tree together. The hustle and bustle of Christmas shopping. Potluck celebrations that never end. Sending last-minute Christmas cards. Writing letters to Santa. And, last but not least, helping someone in need! It’s always emotions. Those memories we cherish.
Those who know me know that I am in love with Christmas and I hope that it stays that way forever. This year will probably be a different kind of Christmas. I am away from the love of my life. For the first time in the last four years, I haven’t baked a cake. No greeting cards have been sent. I probably won’t have a Christmas dinner this year. However, I went on a last-minute shopping spree with my son on Broadway and decked up my tree. If only I could tell him how much I love this season. How happy it made me to take him on a stroll through my memories. How happy I was when one of my clients told me that watching Christmas movies was his favourite thing to do. As a child, how much I wished I could have Christmas cake for Christmas. While at school, how much I saved for a Christmas star. How much I struggled to hide my embarrassment at loving this season this much.
In this season of giving, look around and help someone! This isn’t a seasonal act, but please do it if you can. Send a Christmas card to someone you love and make them smile. Give a virtual hug to someone you miss. Let’s shop local and help someone who is struggling to meet their needs. Bake the best cake and cookies you can. Sip some hot chocolate. Stroll along the snowy paths with your beloved. This is the second Christmas in this pandemic and we are all struggling. Here’s hoping this will all be over soon and that you will all be able to spend your holidays with your loved ones.
Toast to the days coming up! 🙂 Toast to the posts coming up! 🙂
We are all so lucky to be alive! In little ways and big ways! Maybe it hits you differently than it hits me. But we must realize we are all lucky.
When I get hit by every avalanche in life there is a tiny weeny moment I feel like ‘Why me?’ It hits me down to the shallow ground. It took a lot of courage to stand up again and take a breath. But then again you walk. You run. You jump up and down in joy till it comes to the shallow cold ground again. As we were hit by the waves.
The first time I got into the swimming pool I was shivering. I was shivering with fear to take my feet off the ground. The first time I drowned I realized how much I fear water. But it wasn’t the fear of water. It was the fear of losing breath. Losing control over life. I have only managed 30 seconds underwater while my husband managed several minutes. For those few seconds, I lost control of my most precious thing. It was fear that still keeps me away from water. How silly.
In all these years I have always felt pain in my heart than in my body. It aches when I miss someone. It aches when I lose someone. It never stops. But as I always say, there is a silver lining in life. Those little smiles from strangers. Those laugh with our friends. Those long phone calls with our best friend. Those virtual hugs we do. Those silly articles we read. Those little brush strokes we make. That long lost tea you drink. Those hugs we have. It has the tingles to spark everything around. What matters most is the beings around us. The people. The people we love. The people we lost. The people we miss. The people we loathe. These all become a puzzle. Once it is all placed in, we have to search for the last piece.
I may miss the long strolls through the fall leaves. I may have forgotten the taste of French Vanilla from my tongue. I may have forgotten the roads that intersected. I may have forgotten the corner I used to keep my plant. But I can still feel the warmth of home. I can feel the rattling of fall leaves. I can feel the heart to heart conversations around the dinner table. I can feel the smile after having our favourite pancakes. I can feel his hand in mine. I can feel those tiny things that make me alive. I can feel myself in those moments.
So back in mid of April, precisely by the end of April, my Uncle tested CoViD positive. That moment onwards I was severely struck by the fact that how a pandemic have swallowed the whole world. Especially, at that time of the year, his place, Abudhabhi in UAE. Following day his wife; my Aunt, and their daughter tested positive. We all have bad days and those were ours. It got worst when my Uncle had breathing troubles and got shifted to hospital. And worsen next day, that morning when I called my mom and she burst into tears. She said that uncle fainted last night in the hospital and is in ventilator on life support now. Everything shattered for me in a moment. I still remember how tightly I hugged my husband just after the call. He assured me everything will be alright. I wept and wept and stayed in my bed half of the day. I felt numb. I wasn’t ready to even think about losing a person I love as much as I love my dad. I remembered all the good times I had with uncle. The last thing I wanted to do that day was to stop crying and getting out of that bed. But I had to drag myself out from the bed as my shift will start in 10 minutes. Life is strange sometimes, where we have to work even if we are on the verge of breakdown. For happiness, after two days, my Uncle got shifted back to room. He recovered soon and came back home. I couldn’t express the happiness I felt when I heard his voice the next time. What a comeback life!
Days passed by with good and bad days. If I say, it was mostly bad days for all of us, it will kill the cheer. For us, here in Canada, summer is happy time. So we were happy in short with pinch of sadness here and there to garnish life.
October came. Just by the mid of October, a cluster of positive cases formed in my husband’s home. His Grandma, Aunts, Uncles and my mother – in – law, almost a dozen of people tested positive. The stress loomed over us. Me and my husband consoled each other saying everything is going to be alright this time also. We remembered those April days where we kept on looking each others eyes and assured ourselves that nothing is going to be wrong. Things didn’t go well. Few days after, one morning, when I was half asleep, my husband spooned me tight and told me that his Grandma passed away. I know the whole world stopped for him that moment. We stayed silent in bed for some time and then we cried. We talked to our two and half year old son about the great Grandmother he lost and how delicious her cooking was. We told him all her stories even knowing that he can’t understand a single thing we are telling him. Three days after, we ended our days with the demise news of my husband’s uncle. Thus, we lost two souls to this deadly pandemic. Before all these, we always talked that noone will feel how terrifying this pandemic is until it impacts our own home and we had it. A big hard one. We still talk over dinner bout his Grandma and uncle. Sometimes we cry. Sometimes he cries and I console him. Some times we take deep breath and remains silent.
This post is to all who are out there. We all lost! We all lost someone we love, a friend, a parent, a sibling, a grandparent, a relative, a colleague, someone we care about. We all gone through struggles and still going through this. We all get irritated by the work-from-home. We all feel depressed on staying home. We all have that bad days and worst days. But there are always good days too. So stay home for few more days. Stay safe. We don’t want to be a part of losing someone because of us. This is going to be alright soon. Life will be back to normal if we act wise. Be that wiser person. We are in this together.
There are a few more I lost during this pandemic. My heart is grieving for them too. – My elder Uncle who lost his battle to terminal illness. Maama, we all love you and will always miss you. May your soul rest in peace. – My Uncle who lost himself to a cardiac arrest. A day when my mother lost her elder brother. We all pray for you. – My husband’s friend’s wife who lost her life in a car accident. May her soul rest in peace. We all are there for him! – And
My best fiend’s Mom. Divya, You were always there for my darker days. You always stood beside me in my ups and downs. You didn’t stop by consoling me but made me stronger with your words and I am sorry. I am sorry that I was not there with you physically on you bad days. But as we both know, I am always there for you and will be. I know somedays you thrived to talk to me and was in need of me. That’s when I hate this time difference. Again I m sorry for not being there always. I always think of your Amma and we wish for a happy place for her in heaven. Let she stay there and watch down our little Oryn playing. Not everyone says I am there for you but you always do that at the end of our call. You always says ‘Call me when you are sad or having trouble’. That makes you one of a kind and I am grateful to have you. Actually, WE (me, Ikka and Daniyal) are grateful to have you in our life. And in return, I will be there for you. Always!
I am writing after an year and this post is dedicated to:
My little sister Thasni who struggled through this pandemic and strived through the last weeks of her pregnancy thinking about her dad who was on life support. She was a strong contender and gave birth to our little Ayzin. I am always proud of you my girl!
My bother-in-law’s wife Thansi, who always reminds me that I can write and someone out there still loves my writing. She always asks me why I am not writing. I know this is a raw script but this is for you!
To my schoolmate turned best friend Vishnu Vijay who often comes and reminds me that our life changes but some things always remain same as our friendship.
Thank you my readers! Stay healthy! Stay happy & Stay safe until we meet next time!
Blink, I m in our new house. I made sure the plate I used to eat never breaks while I m using it.
I blink the eyes, Grandpa dies. My dad cries. I miss my second standard Christmas exam that day. I made sure nobody sees my welled up eyes.
When I blink the eyes, I m in the school classroom, more concentrated on the maths problem the teacher was teaching. I tapped my pen on the wooden desk continuously.
I blinked my eyes, I was in front of the President of India. I made sure I understand every word he says.
Another blink, I m in that crossroad where I have to go straight to reach home. I adjust my skirt.
Another blink, I m making magazine for the inter school fest. I looked seriously to my team members face.
Another blink, I m on the way to my morning Maths tuition. I checked whether my bicycle tyres are flat or not.
Another, I m crying hugging my pillow in the hostel room after ragging. I wrote it as hell in the diary.
Another, I m in train on the way to Inter college badminton match. I checked whether I have taken everything I need.
Another blink, met the one person who gave me first impression as bad. made sure I will not meet him again.
Another, I was crying looking on the results of first year. I made sure nobody notices that I m the most desperate.
Another, I met the first love of my life. I made sure I have enough time to spent.
Next blink, I m doing AIEEE B.Arch entrance exam. I made sure I m better than everyone.
Blink, I m crying losing the love.. he was crying on the other side of the phone line.
Blink, I m on the corridor of another college. I hated it like the worst place on earth.
Blink, I failed again and again on semesters. I made sure marks never decides my life.
Blink, I got the sunshine of my life. I made sure that I love her with my whole heart.
Blink, life upside down. I met the worst person in the world. I made sure I will hold on to my values till the last breath.
Blink, A bunch of people laughed and howled and entered my life. I swooped them away but they rebounded.
Blink, graduated and employed. I worked my ass off to make sure I m satisfied with myself.
Blink, I m in the desert of middle east. I tried more and more to smile.
Blink, I m back in Cochin with the best job in hand. I made sure I m responsible and loyal.
Blink, I got the best colleague and boss in life. she and he always made me feel like I m worthy.
Blink, I took a house with my friends. I made sure nobody sleeps empty stomach in our home of 4 girls.
Blink, I met the best soul in my life. I promised to hold on to him till the end.
Blink, I m in Bangalore. walking on the parks and streets with my new friends. I made sure I enjoy.
Blink, I started an interior venture with friends. I made sure that I can make the healthy arguments with the clients.
Blink, I got my name printed on the cover of a book as an author. I made sure I will give the best smile that day.
Blink, World made arguments with me to get my love. I strived, I struggled and I survived.
Blink, I got a bunch of students who loved me. I made sure I love and guide them the best.
Blink, I became the wife of my love. I made sure I hold him closer to heart.
Blink, I got another best colleague to encourage me. I made sure she is always on my back.
Blink, Life went wrong again. I strongly held my family.
Blink, a new arrival to our life. He was born. I made sure he is happy with the best version of me.
Blink, I m in another country enjoying the Autumn fall. I made sure I will do the best to survive.
Blink, the boy grown up, the people became closer, the love never dies and the smile never fades
Life stumbles; then stood up again and jogged. When I lost Grandpa I never thought it will be biggest loss in my life till now. When I looked to the maths notebook in school I never realized that, it is the first subject I m going to fail in my whole life.. When I held the badminton racquet I wasn’t aware that, that season onwards I m going to stop playing. When I met the bad impression guy, I never thought I m going to see him again and again and again and he will become the best brother for my lifetime. When I first met my love, I never thought that it will be a turning point in my further love life.When I done the AIEEE, I scarcely know that I m gonna jump over the positive result and cry over the reason of not able to join SPA Vijaywada. When I entered the new college, I never thought I m gonna get the best people of my life from those corridors. When I married him I never realized it is the best decision I ever made in my life.
I never thought things will change like this. In every fraction of time. The people we meet. The people who left. The people who trusted and people who broke that. The people who loved and people who loathe.The kids that made my life. The sunshine girls who kept our home a bliss. The writings I made. The paintings I have drawn. The songs I sang. The travels I made. The photographs I clicked. The tears that spilled. The smile that never fades. The hugs. The kisses. The sun that shines. Moon that glows and the stars that shimmers.
Is there something in your life which moved your heart like never before? Is there an instance where you smiled in tears and thanked Almighty in what you have? Is there a moment when you hugged your loved ones and never let them go? Is there a day when you stare at the wall for nothing but you are numb?
Capernaum will take you through all this. Yes! I am just talking about a movie. The Lebanese movie made by Nadine Labaki who herself put the whole world in chaos through her movie. When we say it in normal, it is a gut wrenching and heart breaking movie which makes us feel numb on the lives we see on screen.
It is the story of just a kid, Zain who want to sue his parents because they gave birth to him. They made him born to the unhealthy world around. The life of a brother who weeps for her little sister always. The tears of a boy who never have an identity of who he is and the chaos of a heart who don’t know his own birthday or his age. Capernaum is a questioning of existence. When Zain looks in to the school bus going everyday with his blank eyes he dreams of going to school. When Zain washes the blood from her 11 year old sisters panties to cover up her periods, he makes sure her sister is safe with him and he never want her to get married off in that age. He questions the beliefs and situations he have to go through with a blank face. When Zain asks his parents why they gave birth to him and his dozen of siblings if they can’t feed them or take care of them, we are taking slap on ourselves. When he ran away from his own home he dreams of a better world outside but he ends up in the same chaos he was in before. But he keeps up the hope. The movie shows love, vengeance, ignorance and emptiness. When Zain tries hard to keep Yonas happy, movie shows us that there are little thing called happiness which we can extend through the care we show to others. When Rahil takes Zain to that little house she have and feeds him, movie express the fact that there are good people out there in the world who can give us hope on life.
When we go deep inside, Capernaum is the truth of Beirut and many other parts of the country we never want to see, to which we close our eyes. It is a piece of art which make us feel grateful for the life we have, the identity we own and the smile we possess.
Things get more worse when we realise that the actors of the movie Zain, Rahil and Yonas are refugees in real life who was spending their life as the same as in the movie, our heart breaks. It is where Capernaum is more special to me. It depress us in a way that no other depression can ruin us. It takes us to a world we never dream of.
Dear Nadine Labaki,
I will always be grateful to you for showing us the world out there. Thank you for this piece of life you made in to movie. It opened my eyes in many ways. It made me thank Almighty a thousand times for the life I have. It made me to smile at little happiness, care and hugs. It made me hug my baby tightly and cry my heart out for no reason. It made me look into my husband’s eyes with tears and smile wholeheartedly. It made me to look into my life in easy way. It made me realize how lucky I am to have a life like this. It made me stop my concerns on the life ahead but it made me concerned on the world around. It made me worried about the war which shatter families. I worried about many Zains who will be sleeping with eyes opened in many parts of the world. It made me cry on the fact that we people are making other people’s life a suffering. It made me mad on thinking that world is heaven as well as hell!
Thousands of people from different walks of life appear for the UPSC exam every year. College students, graduates, post-graduates, post-doctorates, working professionals, and homemakers alike go through gruelling months of preparation to gear themselves up for the exam.
What motivates these people to invest so much time and effort, spread over months and even years, to write the civil services exam? Not to mention, spending money on coaching classes at a top IAS academy. What makes these aspirants take such a long time-out from regular life to put in their blood, sweat, and toil on the arduous journey towards IAS success. For the moment, let us forget about the others. We will start with you.
Why do you want to become an IAS officer?
This question is probably the most famous one (or infamous one, depending on who you ask) used in IAS personal interviews. One, for which you aspirants most likely have got pat answers at the ready, to impress the heck out of your interviewers. Some IAS coaching centres specifically train candidates on how to answer it. But have you asked yourself the question before? And what was the most honest answer you came up with?
Are You Joining IAS For The Right Reasons?
“But why does this matter anyway?” you might ask. Because there are right reasons and there are wrong reasons for joining the IAS. It is important you know that you are travelling down this path for the right ones. Asking yourself these hard questions would help you become aware of where your IAS dreams come from and see if the civil services are indeed a good fit for you to realize them.
Possible Motivations Behind Your IAS Dreams
We can guess at some of the reasons you probably came up with. Mind you, this is not a mutually exclusive list. As a matter of fact, it would not be a good idea if you have only one reason in mind. A career in IAS is not a light decision to be taken on an impulse. So, there had better be more than one reason why you are taking it up in the first place. Let us look at the reasons in some detail.
Most aspirants at the personal interviews probably give “service” or a variation thereof as the primary motivation behind their IAS dreams – To serve the people, to serve the country, to give back to society, to make a difference. Very noble intentions that not everyone is capable of having. It is possible that you have undergone life experiences that have been responsible for making this career choice of yours. You feel IAS is the way to go to achieve your life dreams. But you also need to explore if it is possible to do the same using a different channel. There have been instances of people quitting the service, to forge a more independent path towards their life goals. So, be utterly sure that you are willing to work with, and within the state machinery, to make a difference to the society at large or the country itself.
Who doesn’t love wielding a bit of power while doing good to others? If you do not let it go to their head and use it wisely and responsibly, you can achieve great things in your IAS career.
Doesn’t everyone want to make a mark or leave a legacy during their time of earth? A career in IAS is a perfectly reasonable way to go about it. It can be a great impetus to achieve remarkable things for social development.
Come on. We are human. It is possible we are going to enjoy the fawning attention and deference shown to IAS officers. As long as there is no sense of entitlement or a penchant for misuse, it is perfectly ok to enjoy the perks that come with a civil services job.
This is one of the wrong reasons we were talking about. Sad it may be, but it is true that government jobs give more opportunity for illegal gains than the private sector ones. But if money is indeed a motivation, surely there are higher paying and rewarding jobs out there than in the civil service.
Another wrong reason would be to join the civil services for the sole purpose of serving the interests of one section of people against another or being instrumental in influencing policy-making to that effect.
So, examine what your IAS dreams are made of. Ensure that you are in it for the right reasons before you even embark on the journey. Only then can you have a long and gratifying career in the Indian civil services.
When we officially complete two revolutions round the sun hand in hand, I must say life is the biggest adventure we ever hit.
This moment, this breath we have taken, is a blessing. We had been together for each other from the day we met to till date. It’s been a wonderful journey more of worries and most of happiness! The drop of sadness we converted to happiness. The mess of tears we transferred to the pearls of smile. I won’t say it was the best two years of my life, But I would say it was better when I had a person beside me always when I want to lend a shoulder. He is there with me now for more than three years but after marriage is always a challenge. There were harder times, the worst days in our life, the sleepless worries in our head, unwanted thoughts in our mind. I m proud that we covered it together. We successfully passed the storms that came on our way till now. May be things will get worse or it will be better, but I m happy that life gave me much love throughout these years. Almighty gave us a tweeny tiny one with us to celebrate together. Life gave us a lovely bunch of people to enjoy together. Life gave us a pot full of bliss to cherish always.When it is two years, so many things around changed! The air around is getting changed every moment!
Let the love between us shattle, rattle, cherish and nourish. Let the bond between us loosen and tighten to feel the togetherness. Let the life fly beyond. Let he be always with me to say ‘I love you to the moon and back!’ Always. Forever. Till the last breath!
This moment! I take this for granted!
Thank you Almighty!
Thank you to my parents who believed in me and in my choice of life partner. My lifelines Aashi, Vichu, Shakkir 😊 All sweet ladies of my life Divya, Ameena, Lakshmi, Limiya, Soorya, Sana, Sri Di Ashy 😊 All machomans who mend it together Amal Thomas Leslie, Vishnu Vijay, Nitro, Arju, Fraza, KP, KD, Manu, Remees, Darshith😊 All those sweethearts who made us feel home when we came to the new country Jennifer, Uspi, Thomas, Thambi, Seban, Cici, Neethu, Paul, Nimmy, Chinju, Fijo, Aswin and many more
My tiny tots Mayasa and Natasha with the bunch of crazy sister and cousins!
Without you people Nimi, Femees and Daniyal is incomplete